Haunted By Christmases Past
The holidays are a mixed bag for me. I have wonderful memories of going to see The Nutcracker, sharing a bed with my sisters, warm fires, and my grandma’s cookies. However, I also have memories of the anxiety, pain, and destruction my mother’s family brought to every Christmas.
You see, my mom’s family is full of drama. Drama packed so tight, sometimes breathing room is impossible. And I don’t mean the simple kind of drama that can be solved by a good cry, bouquet of flowers, or glass of wine. I mean the kind of spiteful, nasty drama that tears families apart. My poor mom is one of seven kids: five girls and two boys. I only speak to one of my aunts, who like my mom, overcompensates with sweetness for the rest of the family.
Growing up we were surrounded by crying, back stabbing, stealing, and general dysfunction. The holidays were even worse. What is it about weddings and holidays that bring out the best and worst in people? I think back on those days and am riddled with anxiety. Early on I learned that even those closest to you, and in this case, especially those close to you, have the capacity to intentionally hurt you. And ruin Christmas. And they did. Every year.
I made a decision early on in my mom career: Just because someone is technically related to me doesn’t mean they’ll be family to my child. I think this is an altogether healthy and safe way to choose how you want to raise your child and who you want to have influence over them. So, I told my mom that any holiday festivities that might include her siblings would not include us. It’s that simple.
This isn't an original story to my family. Plenty of families are torn apart, dreading the holidays, wishing they could just stay home. Too often we're sucked in by guilt. The "but it's family" line only explains so much and it expired with this family years ago.
I don’t want my son to see his grandma cry on Christmas. I can’t allow my son’s holidays to be overwhelmed by which person isn’t speaking to the other one. Or who won’t show up when they promised they would. Or who might be jealous of someone else’s gift or fabricate a “look” that someone gave them and then not speak to them for years. (I’m serious, it’s that petty.) And when people have a track record of including children in their feuds, I can’t allow them near mine.
To raise a child with a strong moral compass, you need to surround that child with people you respect and trust. I believe it takes a village. And in my tiny village I advocate for keeping the dangerous people far away from the general population.
My mom finally gets it. Her first grandchild has shown her the importance of real family. We all want the next generation of our family to be happier, to fix the tiny cracks in our foundation, right? Well, I'm filling those cracks with the strongest caulk I can find.
I fully intend to make every Christmas a happy, cheerful, thankful affair… without the baggage I carry of Christmases past.
This is an original post to Chicago Moms Blog. Lisa H. blogs at Hannemaniacs.
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
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