iHateYou
The 21st Century, it’s all iThis and iThat. From iMusic to iMac. iPlayer to iPod, iPad, iPhone, and iTunes. There’s iGoogle, there’s iCompany and there’s iSketch. Even the fictional figurehead of clandestine global evil has a little i before his name, isn’t that right iGod?
iEverything. But when exactly did i become the letter of sophistication? Perhaps the ninth letter of the alphabet over time became jealous of letters twenty-four and twenty-six, who have become synonymous with mystery and cool. i launched its own campaign to rise through the alphabetical ranks to the very top. And i is trying damn hard to stay there.
Let it be said that I love Apple. You love Apple. Everyone loves Apple. After they went rotten for a while in the 80s and 90s, Apple reinvented themselves, but more importantly reinvented the letter i.
Since then everyone from huge, multinational companies, to fledgling new businesses whose creators happen to have seen far too many episodes of Dragon’s Den decide that to make their particular company or product stand out from the crowd, they should place an i before the title. But with so many lower case, iGnorant decisions being made, the global dictionary’s awash with critically dire diacritics.
One such example of a product needlessly condemned to the boring bin is the Vuzix iWear range. Now I propose that virtual reality video glasses are pretty cool to begin with, they absolutely did not need to be plagued by the i. This only serves to undermine the unparalleled uniqueness within by rendering it the same as everything else.
Genius.
But as special as pods and pads are, every self-respecting carnivore knows there is nothing, nothing more sophisticated than chicken. Kentucky Fried Chicken to be precise. Yes, KFC really is food for thought, if you’re the kind of person that often finds yourself thinking: I’m growing increasingly bored of porcelain, I think I’ll take my family to dine from a grease-ridden paper bucket, with a smirking Disciple of Christ ominously staring on from the side. You do know why he’s smirking don’t you? He just lessened your chances of meeting the average life expectancy. Evil bastard.
But what is it that renders chicken more sophisticated than its meaty or mechanical rivals? Well, the letter i of course. And if you’ve ever had reason to doubt this fact, simply contact Colonel Sanders and I am confident he shall dismiss your doubts with a true weapon of mass disillusion; the new KFC iTwist. i? Why? Why? Why? i?
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