The Fur Files - Relationship Advice For The Love Challenged
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox” is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Friday, August 27th, 2010.
Dear Fern,
My wife never wants to have sex. She always says she’s too tired. I, on the other hand, have a really high sex drive, and I’m beginning to think I should seek relief elsewhere. I mean, I don’t want to have an affair, but…
Sincerely,
All Riled Up and Nowhere to Blow
Dear Riled,
Have you ever seen a groundhog trying to cross the road? They hunch up near the edge and then start heaving their bodies like they are about to regurgitate a really large apple, their entire fuzzy forms lurching forward and back, forward and back as they get ready to run.
The thing about groundhogs is, once they start running, they can’t stop, transport truck en route or not. And we all know what happens to groundhogs that dart into traffic. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they get squished.
The point is Riled, YOU remind me of a groundhog. You just haven’t started running yet, but you are certainly on the verge. It’s like you’re saying, “I gonna do it. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna sleep with someone other than my wife.” Probably because of this untameable penis of yours, right? Probably because there’s just too much testosterone flowing through your loins, am I correct?
If you ask me, and you ARE asking me, I think you are poised to make a very big mistake. Let me see if I can guess how this predicament of yours all came about. After brief consideration, I’d estimate that you and your wife have been together for ummm, let’s say, nine years or so. You probably have two elementary school-age children. Though you both work full-time, your wife does most of the housework and child-rearing. How am I doing so far?
Now over the years, your wife at least, has gotten worn down by the day-to-day grind. She complains of the occasional migraine headache and a sore jaw from grinding her teeth at night. Furthermore, her waistline isn’t what it was when you got married. In the bedroom, she is copping zzz’s even before you can get your boxers off.
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