The Fur Files - Relationship Advice For The Love Challenged - Page 4
My second concern has to do with your obsessive/compulsive behavior, with which I can totally empathize, BTW. When I was a kid, I had this overwhelming need to eat my Alphagetti noodles two at a time so that none of the letters would get lonely slipping down my throat.
The third thing we need to discuss has to do with you learning to be a participant in this thing we call “life”, i.e. you must stop being such a freak loner. From the sounds of it, you might still be a virgin. Am I right? Either way, you should probably deal with your single-mindedness using a similar method known for treating a fear of heights – by taking very small steps in an effort to become what one might dare refer to as NORMAL.
Thus, when you are alone, try masturbating to other songs. Start with a gradual transition, like Michael Bolton’s “Missing You Now” featuring Kenny G. Once you can manage that – a tune with ACTUAL lyrics that’s about a REAL relationship – then you can try something a bit edgier like Rod Stewart’s “Sailing” or maybe even U2’s “With or Without YOU”.
Finally, you must make an attempt to get with the times. Leap into today. A tune in the vein of Adam Lambert’s, “What Do You Want From Me?” might do the trick. Now, once you’ve whacked off to someone like Adam Lambert, you should be able to whack off to almost anything. And once you can whack off to anything, you’ve pretty much set yourself free.
But you’d better get started soon, Shy. From what I’ve read, working through this sort of recovery process takes about six months. Good luck.
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Dear Fern,
Nothing seems to be going right for me these days. My partner of fifteen years just left me for someone else. I think I’m about to lose my job. I'm slowly going bald. My cat was just diagnosed with kidney disease and will surely die within three months. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Down and Out in Des Moines
Dear Down,
This is the universe talking. Think positive.
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