The Fur Files - Relationship Advice For The Love Challenged
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox” is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Friday, August 20th, 2010.
Dear Fern,
My husband doesn’t seem to get me. I thought that over the years, he’d pick up on some of my likes and dislikes, but it just isn’t happening. For example, this year he bought me a rake for my birthday. I don’t even LIKE gardening. And in the bedroom, his lack of understanding is about the same.
When we kiss, he’s like a rambunctious, over-sized puppy. When we make love, it’s like he’s trying to break down the whole damn building. It seems the longer we are together – and we’ve been together for six years – the less he knows me. Why do I have to spell everything out for him? Why? WHY! Maybe we just aren’t meant for each other. Maybe we are just too different. Maybe he’s just not “the one”.
Sincerely,
Misunderstood in Manhattan
Dear Misunderstood,
There are a few points we need to get straight here. First, there’s no such thing as the “one.” Think about it, with just over six and a half billion people on the planet, to assume that there is only “one” person out there with whom you could connect is a little like saying – given the enormity of the universe – that aliens don’t exist. Surely, you’ve seen the X-Files.
Second, it has been well documented that men have no real talent for doing tasks other than downloading Internet files and changing flat tires. So whatever he’s NOT doing – however he’s acting – he’s probably just being a normal guy. If you doubt me, find ten other married women you know and ask them.
Once you’ve accepted this fact about the male of the species, you will then realize that it’s up to you to address the situation. You will then have to do what women have been doing since the late 1960’s, early 70’s. You will have to be upfront about your desires. Yes, the time for being nice is over. You might even have to be rude. Just say what you want. Say what you’re thinking. Say, “Kevin, you kiss like a moose.” Or, “Kevin, I don’t want you to f*ck me like you are trying to level the CN Tower.” Or “Kevin, when you are performing oral sex, remember, my labia are not for biting,” unless of course, you’re into that.
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