Rattled By Rejection, a Bun in the Oven and Unhinged By Usher
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox”, is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. The following is a sneak peak into her weekly advice column.
Friday, April 22nd, 2011
Dear Fern,
How do you know if a woman is interested BEFORE you talk to her? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve approached someone only to be shut down. Like once, I asked this really hot redhead out on a date and she said (in this strange sort of accent), “Heeeell no! You look more like a prune on stilts than an actual human being. Now get outta my face you lout, you dork, you vulgarian, you clodpate, you oaf, and don’t ever come near me again!” I mean, it was really embarrassing in front of the rest of my Sci-fi book club members. I would rather not experience this sort of rejection. Any advice?
Sincerely,
Repeatedly Rejected In Reno
Dear Repeatedly,
Ummmm yeah, if you are insinuating that this terrible, man-hating woman who flatly rejected you was ME, possibly because she looked like me and sounded like me, and because I have a bit of a weird accent and because I’ve been known to get pretty obnoxious and hurtful when I’ve been drinking Irish Carbombs (like who doesn’t?), then you would be completely wrong. Besides, I’ve never called anyone a “clodpate” in my entire life. I don’t even know what the word means.
Anyhoo, how do you know if a woman is interested BEFORE you actually go up and talk to her? Unfortunately knowing such a thing would be like knowing what God keeps in that locked box in the back of his closet (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). It would be like knowing whether or not Nicole Kidman has had plastic surgery (I’ll bet she has), or like knowing if Elvis ever had sexual relations with another man which he somehow managed to keep on the “down low”, or like knowing what would happen if you put a ball of tinfoil wrapped in paper towel into the microwave and turned it on high before then heading up to the bathroom to pluck your nose hairs.
Knowing if a woman is interested BEFORE talking to her is just one of life’s little mysteries. And since you can’t know everything, sometimes you just have to trust in yourself. I learned that when I was acting in this French movie a few years back. It was the first day of filming and I had to do this love scene with my handsome costar. A bit on the green side – I mean, I am a writer, NOT an actor but whatever; they paid me a lot of money – I was nervous about the whole thing.
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